For the majority of my life I was a fundamentalist Christian, because of this I still find myself looking externally to find meaning and direction in my life. I was taught that I am unworthy, imperfect, filled with sin, and that I must look to God and the Bible in order to find truth. My mom reminded me often as I was growing up that “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” – Jeremiah 17:9. This effectively taught me not to trust myself, and to expect my own heart to intentionally mislead me.
I realized about 3 years ago that there was something amiss in many of the things I had been taught as a Christian. I felt that love was the most important part of the message of Jesus, but when I looked around at the Christians I knew and as I read many parts of the Bible, the actions and message seemed to encourage judgment, criticism, exclusivity, and hate. The God of the Bible seemed to me to be petty and vindictive, rather than loving. The consequence of not believing that Jesus is The Only Son of God being an eternity of torment in hell seemed to me to be the opposite of what a loving God would plan.
The questioning had begun, and the further I got into researching the Bible and various translations, and the ways in which the books were put together, the less I believed it to be the infallible Word of God. There came a tipping point at which I realized that I didn’t believe in the central message anymore. I was no longer a Christian. And so began the search for my truth.
Looking for truth and enlightenment, I’ve researched many religions and belief systems, and various methods of meditation. I’ve scoured the internet for anything that might help me in my quest for truth.
A while back I posted that in my search for enlightenment, I felt the Universe telling me I should “stop looking everywhere else; everything you need is inside you.” In response to this insight, I stopped reading books telling me how to find enlightenment/become a shaman/learn how to meditate, and turned my searching toward experiential things. I tried using mind-altering binaural beats, legal plants and herbs, ceremonial cacao, and meditation for astral projection and lucid dreaming. The results have been mixed, but mostly disappointing.
Last night I was lamenting my inability to have a consistent transcendental experience, and the Universe spoke again. “You don’t need a transcendental experience; you need only to love.” It was then that I realized I hadn’t really heard the message the Universe had given me earlier. Everything I need is inside me. The most important spiritual experiences of my life have come when I was pouring out love on the world around me.
I have always been motivated by love. It is my heart’s desire to love all things. I have always felt this way, but my heart has been called wicked by my mom, the Bible, and Christianity.
Today I take my heart back. I deem my heart pure, beautiful, trustworthy, and wonderful. Love is my calling. Love is what will lead me to enlightenment. When I focus on loving everyone and everything, I will find my truth and my path.
Love is my message. Love is my superpower.